How to Solve the Top 5 Basic Relationship Problems

2008 Garry Knight

One of the things that people have the most trouble with in a relationship is looking at the other person through some sort of filter or expectation. Folks get into trouble when they try assume a person will be a certain way of act a certain way. For example, when a couple first gets together, a typical first date might be dinner and a movie. Just because you go to a movie together does not mean that you both like movies. Maybe one or both of you really don't care for movies.

A great relationship is going to be the most wonderful experience or the most terrible thing to ever happen to a person. Relationships make up the very essence of who we are as human beings. We need to be together, we want to be together. Since this longing for closeness is so strong in us, it makes sense to be sure that the relationships in our lives are the best they can possibly be. Nobody wants to be in a bad relationship. People want to be in a relationship that makes them feel loved, validated, important, and needed.So how does one get that kind of relationship? Well, there is no secret formula for great relationships, only common sense. Here's the top 5 problems most folks experience in a relationship and what you can do to avoid them.

Discover What You Have in Common

How many times have you heard someone say they no longer have anything in common with their wife, husband, boyfriend, or girlfriend? In order for a relationship to be successful and fulfilling, both people must take the time and make an effort to discover what the other person likes, needs, and expects in a relationship. Common likes and needs are essential in any relationship. This is especially true of romantic relationships. When I was in college, the girl I really wanted to go out with was engaged to one of my friends. Even though it appeared we could easily become romantically involved, I held back out of respect for my friend. So, we settled for just being friends.

We did everything together as friends because we knew there was no chance of a romantic encounter. As friends, we discovered the likes and needs of the other in a friend-to-friend relationship. We discovered that we both liked funny movies, playing board games, and opera. Same advice for romance - take the time to discover what you have in common before getting more deeply involved. Advancing into a lifelong relationship with someone and finding out later that you really have little in common is going to make for a difficult relationship at best. What do you have in common with your special person?

Stephan Vervalle

Discover the Real Person Inside First

I want you to imagine the most important relationship in your life and picture that person in your mind. Maybe it's your husband or wife, maybe a boyfriend or girlfriend, maybe your mom or dad, brother or sister. Carefully consider the things they do for you and why they prefer your company. Why do these people want to be around you? Most people remain in a relationship because they are getting something they need, they can provide something needed by the other, or they are fearful.

Now, think about the reasons you want to be around this special person in your life. What makes you love them and want to be loved by them in return? Are you getting something from the relationship? Take a moment to identify what these might be. If you are staying in a relationship only because the person is providing some sort of material thing, you may want to reconsider the basis of your relationship.

Unless there is a real person behind all the "stuff", there will likely be no basis for a lasting, loving, and fulfilling relationship.  Is the person you love a "real" person - are they funny, smart, intuitive, sensitive, loving, etc. Or are they just a provider? Real people and real relationships are made of a desire to be with that person no matter what they have. Material things have little value in a strong, fulfilling relationship. Find out about the real person behind all the stuff.

Never, Ever go to Bed Angry

One thing my wife and I have practiced for over 26 years of our marriage is to make a point to never go to bed angry. We also make a point to try and never hang up from a phone call or when we are about to be separated. It's not an easy thing to do sometimes but it is a very positive thing that brings us both back to common ground. We both know we love one another. We both want the other to feel they are needed, loved, and important in the relationship. The last thing you want is for something terrible to happen to the one you love and remember the last words you had were angry or hurtful.

Trust is the Life Blood of Your Relationship

This is another vital component of any deep, lifelong, and fulfilling relationship. Trust, deep trust between two people who dearly love one another is perhaps the single most important thing in a loving relationship, especially in a romantic relationship. There are so many things already out there in this world that are "gunning" for your relationship, and so many things that can go wrong. Some people want to monitor and know everything their loved on does. That is not trust, that is control brought about by basic insecurity in the relationship.

Trust in a relationship means knowing the other person has your best interest at heart, and that guides them in all they say and do in your presence, and when they are away from you. That's a pretty tall order because in order to trust some one like that, you're going to need to make yourself vulnerable and open to being hurt. That's a risky proposition for anyone, but it is the only way to learn to trust another, and to be trusted by another. Without trust, there is not much to a relationship.

When to Call it Quits in a Relationship

When people first start a relationship, they don't look forward to the day when they can be out of that relationship. Most folks go into a relationship, invest their all into a relationship because they want to love and be loved. It's one of our most basic needs as human beings. But, sad to say, there may be a time when even the best relationships go bad. It's a sad thing to watch a relationship fall apart, especially if you dearly love the other person.

Many folks stay in a bad relationship simply because they are afraid of what might happen if the relationship were no more. Some folks even risk their personal safety or their life and stay in an abusive relationship out of fear of the unknown. They feel that even though a relationship may be bad, it's better than what could happen. Sometimes people stay together because of the kids, or because they think things will change someday. There is never a good reason to remain in a relationship that is dangerous to you or to those you love. These are never easy decisions and it may be a good idea to get counseling from a professional, a pastor, or from your family.